Tuesday, May 24, 2011

A Personal Moment

Good morning all.

I've been called "Liz Taylor" in these parts.  But, I've since learned to keep my mouth shut regarding the quantity of relationships I've experienced.

And, today, I am free to say I've notched another one. Yep! That's right!  Another relationship gone South for good.  Does it sound like I'm bragging?  Well, I'm not. I'm just a bit overwhelmed with my history of relationships!!

I've experienced 8 serious relationships with those I would have gladly married or did marry (4 of them said yes).  This last one (no..we weren't married whew! makes breaking up a whole lot easier) is the hardest break up for a few reasons.

1. We were together 9 1/2 years, living together 9 years April 1.  That's a long time in any one's book, but the longest I have ever been with someone. I've experienced breaking up many times, and I can truly say that it does feel like "death".  And, it is a death of some sort as dreams, goals, like-mindedness, and partnership are gone just like that; they die. And, that's the crying part.

2.  I'm 55 this Sunday.  Who wants to spend the rest of their life alone?  Okay, I'm 55 not 85; but after so many break ups, I'm thinking I do not want to do this again. So, yes, spend the rest of my life alone.  The argument here is to take it one step (day, hour, minute sometimes) at a time. But, when I start feeling sad, this creeps up on me.

3.  Two years ago, the problems began. I wasted two years hoping, working, striving, and concentrating on change, but, it didn't happen.  In fact, you may use the word escalation and be completely correct.  What stayed my hand was the circumstance. I own the house, and he came here with nothing but his clothes and personal stuff, like fishing rods and such. If it had been reversed, I would have left him 2 years ago. But, it is harder to tell someone else to leave when they have no where else to go.

4. And, last it could have been avoided.  My first born says to me one day, "You have to want something more than the addiction to beat the addiction."  I'm convinced after two years, my partner does not want me, our relationship, nor his family more than the addiction. He is strong willed and beat it for 6 years until one day a couple of years ago. Now, it seems he cannot keep away from it. I know not what else to do for my own peace and the example set for my second born.

So, thanks for letting me spill it all. I'm not usually for baring my soul, but it seems this is a catalyst to emptying myself of some of the pain.  ~kathleen

1 comment:

  1. Persuing blogs, fb, etc as I couldn't , didn't sleep at all last night -- nary a wink --wah!!.And then I stumbled upon this and I saw where you wrote this in May-- hope that now you have had time "to get a breath" -- that it is easier for you to do so. I know that there are probably some hard days still. Hoping that you have a GREAT 2012 - wishing you only the best!